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Christmas spirit?!

So today is the day before we celebrate christmas over here in Germany. And I admit that in the past i have always been a total christmas girl. I just used to love every single bit about it, the preparations, the smells but most important having all the people i care about the most together and around me.

However, this year for the first time in a long time or maybe even ever i just don’t get it. it is the day before christmas and yet if feels like tomorrow will just be another day to get up to and do whatever. I guess the spring weather we currently have doesn’t really do much to help. 

So far i have already done quite a few traditional things with my family and friends. For example going to the christmas market and decorating my brother’s christmas tree with my little nephew. We even went to my niece’s christmas concert. And there are still more to come. like we just put up the tree in out living room so we will decorate it probably tomorrow morning and i still need to put the gingerbread house together. so there is still a few things to sort which will be fine. i mean there is no stress in any of this  but it is just that i just seem to be going to the traditions without really enjoying them as much. who know maybe it will still happen, who knows?

Filed under christmas traditions christmastree christmas spirit family blog rambling

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Going home

So it is now actually the night before i am going back to Germany to spend christmas with my family. i haven’t been home for almost a year now and yet i am not even really sure that i am looking forward to it. I mean i do love my family but ever since last year i have mixed feelings about returning to the home i grew up in. Even now, just thinking about it gives me that strange feeling at the bottom of my stomach.

And then i remember moments like on the phone earlier this morning when i was talking to my little six year old nephew. He just seemed so excited by the fact that i am finally coming home tomorrow. And in a way this makes me feel like such a selfish bitch. I mean yes i have lost a sister but he has also lost an aunt that in so many ways was actually more a mother to him than his own mother, and this also goes for his two older siblings. So maybe i should just really suck it up and get over it.

Filed under home family christmas blog Ramblings

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This beautiful picture of me and my sister was taken exactly two years ago today. at the time we were on vacation together on the beautiful island of Fuerteventura. Gosh we had so much fun during that week, it almost felt like those old times, before i went off to university and the three of us (my brother, my sister and I) would travel together exploring and having so many adventures. How were we supposed to know that this would actually be one of the last pictures or maybe even the last one we would have taken of us together? 

I used to really enjoy this time of the year. just really genuinely enjoy spending time with my whole family. there wasn’t one big thing that used to make this time so special, rather it was more the many small things that i used to love so much. and now pretty much all these small things are why has changed. Maybe this is why now part of me is dreading actually going home and doing these same things or at least variations of these things again. it is almost as if they have become constant reminders of how loosing her has changed everything forever.

Filed under christmas family loss Cancer blog rambling Holidays vacations Memories photographs

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So i really enjoyed looking at the Ronald McDonald house today. To be honest i was a bit shocked by how big it was. The one in my hometown isn’t even half as big as this one, and a small part of me wonders what it will be like volunteering here, as in if the size will have any impact on how close nit things are.

So far the people i have met who work there seem really nice and i am looking forward to joining them in the beginning of the new year when get back from my trip home. I don’t really mind what i will be doing as long as i can help them out somehow :)

Filed under Ramblings blog rmhc manchester

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back to good

So today should be a good day. A little while ago I decided that i would get back into volunteering. In the past i have always enjoyed doing this. I was pretty happy to find out that there is a Ronald McDonald House here in Manchester. It used to volunteer in one of these back in Germany after my first year in University and pretty much very time i cam home from University. I really enjoyed being there, even if it wasn’t always easy to deal with the circumstances some families that are staying there are in. In a way one of the things that made the experience so special back than for me was the people who where there. After just a little while we became quite close and in a way it feels like i got some much more out of the experience than i put into it.

So now, today will be the day of my first visit to the house in manchester. i guess it is mainly about me having a look around the house and having a chat about how things are going in the house with the volunteering. I am looking forward to meeting Sally in person because she seems like a really lovely person in the emails so far. while i am really looking forward to getting involved with the charity again, part of me also knows that in some ways it will be very difficult for me now in some ways.

I know it will be difficult to see some of the families go through what my family has been through over the past there and a half years. And it will bring back a lot of memories both good and bad ones. It won’t be easy but just maybe it will help me deal with some of the stuff i still carry around with me. And knowing what they are going through might just be helpful for them in some ways too

Filed under volunteering help ronald mcdonald charity blog rambling

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this time of the year

Sometimes i think it is pretty funny how one can feel two emotions at the same time which by all intents seem to be instinctively on opposite sides of the spectrum. This is one of those things that seems to be popping into my head recently.

once of the most likely reasons for it is that i am about to go home for the christmas period in a couple of weeks time. Now, don’t get me wrong, the biggest part of me is really looking forward to it especially because it has been nearly a year since i have been there and i am looking forward to seeing my family and friends again. On the other hand i can’t seem to shake this certain sense of dread nearly every time i think about it now. 

I remember it was almost the same situation before i went home last year. and i guess the reasons are still pretty much the same too. And i guess in a way going home is never really going to feel the same way again. And i guess this is hardly surprising because not matter what great things will be happening the fact will always remain that one person that should be there will now always be missing. at least in the physical kind of way.

Filed under blog rambling christmas home loss familly

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just not enough

so there is one thing that i have wondering quite a lot recently. Why am I still here??? i know this might sound a bit worrying to some people. but i can’t help but wonder about this. is there a reason for things to happen a certain way? and will this ever change? who knows?

i guess the point is that despite everything that had happened over the past few years I am still here. And i guess that means that i just have to figure out something to do with this fact. i guess with everything that has been going on over the past couple of years it is not too surprising that a lot of the time i have simply just been existing and functioned. there wasn’t much really to do about this. it was more about getting through the day than about fining ways to live live to the fullest. 

but something has started to change recently. and more often than not i do find myself thinking that this just existing thing just isn’t enough. So now i guess the question is what i will have to add to my equation in order to make it fit again.

Filed under blog Ramblings figuring it out life sense

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It is funny how sometimes a dream can completely throw you off track. i had one of those a few days ago. And it threw me off track so much that i had the worst day on thursday that i have had in a very long time. Literally everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong that day. somehow it really didn’t seem to matter what i did or tried i could just not really pull it together. 

I just hate having these dreams. You might know the type. I had this dream where it seemed like quite a few years had passed and everything was pretty good. I guess the main thing was that everybody i cared about was somehow in it including my sister. I swear that it felt so real that in a way it really felt like the past few years were really just a nightmare. man i felt so relieved, i can’t eve describe it. maybe that made it so hard to than pull it together again when i woke up about four in the morning and it actually took me a while to realise what had just happened. right now there isn’t too many things that i can say hate so much as that feeling. needles to say i didn’t really manage to get back to sleep after that.

sometimes i really wonder why i keep on having these dreams. in a way they are great to have but in another way they are just incredible cruel. and i am torn apart between wanting to have another one and never wanting to wake up from one of them again and feel like this again.

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Hey you, staring at me
just stop it
stop looking at me
as if you know me
because you don’t

Hey you, staring at me
just stop it
stop looking at me
as if you know what I am thinking
because you don’t

Hey you, staring back at me
just stop it
stop looking at me and
don’t judge me
because you shouldn’t

Hey you, staring back at me
just stop it
There is no point to any of this
We should try to get on
we should try to get on
because after all you are my

mirror image

so I wrote this a few years ago. but sometimes it is funny just how much something you wrote a while ago, feels as if you could have just written it a few moments before. and even just reading it again somehow manages to make you feel just a little bit better. like there is hope still somewhere for you.

Filed under poetry blog poem rambling hope

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Lights in Chicago

Chicago-based Japanese photographer Satoki Nagata captures spectacular portraits of strangers for his ongoing series titledLights in Chicago. The collection of images, which the photographer has been accumulating for over two-and-a-half years, present almost ghostly silhouettes of people walking along the wintery streets of Chicago, a glowing projection of their outlines reflected in shop windows. The photographer creates this hauntingly beautiful effect by backlighting his subjects with a remotely controlled, off-camera flash, a technique he continues to perfect.


(Source: mymodernmet.com)